All of my life he maligned me, never saw any respect in his eyes for me, my credulity was assaulted by his anger. I remember the time when I was five years old, though, not the exact memory, but only in flashes and images. In that memory he was smiling and playing with me. I was also guileless at that time, it doesn’t mean that I am different now, but as I grew up, I realized that one needs to display what the world demands. It is not what I became, it is all other people’s work, their maledictions, their abusing tone, their so called rules to cage the soul and the mind.
My father, about whom, I have only one happy memory back from when I was five years old, was also a prey of this societal disease. I was beaten up by him during all my growing up years, as if I was a total disappointment. Sometimes I wondered, was it my fault, that I was not able to fit in this hypocrite world. The situation was quite lucid, I didn’t had any memory of myself before my birth, so It was quite obvious that my being born was not my fault. To get punished for someone else’s mistakes was really exasperating.
My whole childhood and adulthood was swallowed by his anger, his hate towards me was clearly visible in his old gloomy eyes. With every year I started hating him more and more, I wished about his death. I felt ashamed of myself about having these thoughts, but deep inside I knew that I was not ashamed, I was only judging myself through other people’s eyes. I just wanted to be a maverick, I was from inside, just wanted everything out in the open.
My thoughts had the efficacy, I guess. My father was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. An incessant beeping sound came from the machine measuring his heart rate. I looked at him, and I felt relieved. A few moments later, he opened his eyes and looked around. And when he found me, a light of hope and satisfaction ran around inside his dull eyes, as if he trusted me immensely. After many years I saw that childhood memory again in his eyes. I didn’t realized, a line of warm tears flowing from my eyes caressed my lips, I tried to stay calm.
Amidst this battle of emotions and memories, the beep suddenly stopped, all lines on the display flattened, he was gone. I was not happy, I was shocked to see this sudden turn around of my feelings. I was breathing heavily, not realizing my current state, I bursted out in tears. A few days later, I was sitting inside my house looking at my father’s photo, lost in thoughts.
I was able to find out only the happy memories, I tried very hard to remove him from my mind by focusing on the countless sad memories, of him beating me and exploiting my childhood. But only two memories stayed, one was of him smiling and playing with me when I was five years old, the other was from the hospital, when he looked at me,before dying, with hope and contentment.